I used to deceive myself with lies, a misguided attempt to ease the process of forgiveness and healing from anything hard and heavy. I convinced myself that if I could just manipulate my own perception, forgiveness would flow effortlessly, and the wounds would miraculously mend.

But the truth, as elusive as it may be, has a way of breaking through even the most carefully constructed illusions.

Three years ago my life looked very different than it does now.

God left with me two choices:

Fight and continue to lie or come lay down at the altar. 

Despite my initial response to fight, I discovered that the most effective way to navigate my pain was to place not just myself but my entire being, including my heart, on the altar before Jesus.

This doesn’t mean that healing within community isn’t important. This means that community is just a resource. Jesus is the source. I know that sounds like the “typical” solution but it’s not as cute or pretty as they make it online.

In that surrender, I realized that the root of my self-deception was in equating strength and faith with the ability to bear heavy burdens silently.

I believed it was commendable to take hard hits without showing any signs of distress. God was really after the pride in my heart and there wasn’t anywhere for it to run.

I then made the decision to stop lying to myself about my life and stopped trying to condition my heart to overlook the truth and started seeking God to deliver me from feeling like I owe anyone anything.

Instead, I started to forgive myself for the self-betrayal, self-deception, and manipulation. I forgave myself for going against what I clearly discerned according to the spirit in order to keep peace with others.

Doing this opened up the door for me to see that forgiveness is not letting anyone off the hook. It’s for the condition of my own heart.

If I in fact want to be set free from the offense that comes with whatever happened to me then I must forgive them regardless of whether they know or not that what they did was wrong, evil, or however it applies. This is one way that we love our neighbors AS ourselves.

Those overlooked aspects of our lives can insidiously infiltrate other areas. Just when we believe victory is ours, the enemy is able to legally have access to us because we haven’t forgiven, confessed, surrendered, and received peace through God’s strength.

Spiritual legality is a real thing, and unforgiveness gives the enemy a legal right to form a weapon against you. That weapon will show up in the form of spiritual and physical delay.

It’s not a game. I wouldn’t listen to anyone who tells me that I don’t have to forgive anyone. It doesn’t matter how much fun it looks to be in rebellion against God. It’s not fun to not be forgiven by God.

True strength lies in humility. It’s only when we recognize and acknowledge our innate vulnerability and our need for His mercy and strength that God can bring about true breakthroughs.

Lies may offer temporary comfort, but true healing comes from Jesus, not self-deception. Conditioning yourself to believe a lie is a different kind of insanity, especially if it requires you to go against God’s word. If it does, then it’s not from Him.

Lying to yourself about anything also gives you the mind of a victim instead of the mind of Christ.

Your life and how it has been is a reality. BUT…

At some point, you must make the personal decision to take your experiences, weigh them against the Truth according to the Word of God, and seek God’s perspective on them.

Battles are not won by a person who lives as a target or as someone harmed, injured, or less than victorious.

There are no victims in the Kingdom of God.

“But thanks be unto God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

1 Corinthians 15:57